There are three of us in this marriage. My wife, me and the money-saving expert. To say she thinks of him when we are in bed might give you the wrong impression, but his name does crop up in the minutes before we turn in.
It started innocently enough, with the search for advice on car and pet insurance. There was money to be saved, and Martin had some excellent tips. So, at first, it seemed OK.
He was polite, useful, well researched, had interesting ideas for savings and seemed rather compassionate.
But now the man is living rent free in our heads, which I suppose is what you’d expect from a money-saving expert. After all, you’d have to question his credentials if he was actually paying to live in our heads. There may be heads that Martin is prepared to pay rent on, but those heads probably own a villa in Barbados with a pool and a view across the Caribbean sea. Our heads offer only a view of the South Circular, though they are west-facing in the evening. I try not to spend long on Martin’s money emails, but apparently there is a whole section on bargain skulls you might want to live inside, including some which come with introductory offers such as one year’s free music subscription or unlimited coffee refills.
The chances are that someone in your family is letting Martin into the house too. That in itself is not the problem. No, the issue is that once they get addicted, they feel the need to discuss it with their partners. You know what I mean. You are relaxing at home, reading a book, playing a game or maybe just mindlessly doomscrolling, when, all of a sudden, you are confronted with one of his tips. “Martin’s money says that we could be getting 6.2 per cent interest if we switched to the Ulan Bator Building Society.”
I want to be clear that I have nothing against the man. He seems a thoroughly good egg, someone who irritates all the right people. His advice is generally good. The email is free. Even so, you need to shut this down fast. Once he’s in your house, you will never get rid of him. It is a bit like when your spouse discovers Costco and you come home to find 20kg of pistachio nuts under the stairs. Trust me, that’s where this is going.
The big mistake — the schoolboy error — is to engage. Once you give Martin power of attorney over your financial decisions, you’ll never be free. Perhaps you agreed to open a cash Isa with Virgin Money because someone in the household is at you to make more of your savings, and it seemed to offer the best rate. Job done you might think, but oh no.
Suddenly, Martin has found an even better Isa. The Calder-dale Mutual and Munificent pays 0.5 per cent more as well as the possibility of a pay-out if it demutualises. But hurry, you don’t want to miss out. Come on, look lively. If we don’t do this, we are basically refusing free money. Why would you refuse free money? Do you want Martin to think less of you?
Or maybe Martin thinks it’s time to switch energy suppliers. Yes, you moved to Octopus last month, but there are bargains to be had if you keep on moving. He’s not wrong, but how much energy do you wish to expend on this? This is expanding your cranial footprint into areas it was comfortable leaving unexplored. There are few places of safety. Last week he even had a tip for free pizzas, although it involved fancy dress and a 10am meal.
Across the nation, there are spouses being terrorised by Martin. It’s like one of those suburban horror films where you allow some lodger or neighbour into your life, perhaps because he did you a good turn such as rescuing your child or finding a better value travel insurance package. He’s very polite, always helpful, but then you realise that he’s Ray Liotta and he’s got plans to get rid of you. You come home from work and he’s sitting there with your wife, poring over pension drawdown arrangements.
How do you fight back? Well, obviously, you can unsubscribe from his email or mark them as spam. This might buy a brief respite. You could try weaning yourself off, or walking round your kitchen covering your ears and shouting “la la la” until your partner gives up, but some might consider this a little unmanly. With Martin, you have to go cold turkey. Or, better still, cold pastrami, because Aldi has a very good offer on it this week.
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